on this day....
Cuzzie Vivien celebrated her birthday
i arrived at NUH for the CT scan as part of the preparation for ops
i have missed my menses for 10 days now,
the Sinseh advise us to drop her a visit on 8sept2016 if my period was late, but considering since then i received a series of unfortunate & shocking news about this Op, i laid it down to stress.
Stress, the same stress that causes me to miss the entire month of period in May 2016, the same stress that at one point pulls my ovulation cycle to 45 days. Besides, i was too involve to get well soon before our Taiwan vacation, so Rodman & i can hurry get on track back to TCM, and back to making effort to expanding our brood.
Anyhow.... in anticipation of #harvestingOurSeed , i came across Watson during a promotion & bought not 1, but 4 of the pee stick, just in case. It was sitting in my drawer for the longest time, and i fail to realize all pee stick had expiry date. On 14sept2016, i tot i will bring along a stick, since missing the period could mean something, even if the chances were slim....
so my CT scan was schedule at 10.15am, i arrived at the Diagnostic Imaging centre at 9.36am, went to the ladies & since i was in it, pull out the pee stick.. and what do you know....
This! 2 freaking line on the indicator..
I must add, prior to this, while we were "actively" trying on the advice from the TCM, i must have used like 2 sticks?!?!?!?! during that time thinking it is going to pay off. So seeing 1 line on the stick becomes usual, sometimes there is a VERY faint 2nd red line forming and for a sec i got excited. All this time i shared the image with friends who commented it probably only means i wasnt expecting, or that my pee must have wet the stick so bad it reveal the hidden line.
But,... this, this was a bright & obvious 2nd line, in deep red no less.
On the once non-existing column of the pee stick that i was no use to seeing, i freaked out. i quickly snap a shot of it but my hands were shakey.
You understand at this point i was due to go for a CT scan in a matter of 15min, and CT is HARMFUL for fetus,
i have already paid for the procedure, what does this means?
So with the shaking hands, i have to snap the picture the 2nd time. Then 2 names pop up on my mind, the 2 ladies who were behind me egging me on my journey to recovery by removing #Timmy2.
The 1st being Rodman's superior k-chng, a lady whom i respect dearly, and whom i coincidentally met on the day i receive the news of #timmy2, she was nothing but sweet & encouraging, and i can really do with her advice, being a Mum to a pair of lovely Twins & a chef-worthy son.
The 2nd being my little sister, also coincidentally k-chng (with me also k-chng, and our niece another k-chng that makes 4 wahahahahha) Who was by all nature, mature & independant despite being 6 years my junior. I was never close to my sis, but in recent years i made some effort to hang out with her more, and it was fruitful. My babySis is also someone who can snap me out of my anxiousness & motivate me to be a bigger person to take on the role of protecting her.
So of course, i didnt jump on the wagon immediately to call Rodman's boss, it was just rude & awakening to text her out of a sudden with something this major.
You must have thought, where was Rodman? Why not Rodman? The truth is because he matters too much for me to be giving him false alarm, what if this was not the case? What if the pee stick expired & the result were not accurate?
i cannot deal with false identity myself & thankfully in my life now exist the best thing ever- Rodman, the man who takes on any challenge i throw to his direction, than still has to be the one to encourage me to stand up again when i fall (which means, he fall too)
In the past week, after receiving the news of #timmy2, Rodman had been the most amazing pillar of support, i know deep-down he was very hurt too, and that i have failed my responsibility as his wife to take care of myself, hence allowing myself to be such a burden to us both. He does not show his emotion in front of me, we also had difficulty talking out loud the possibilities of forever being infertile if i remove #Timmy2, so this time shit is real, and if i was really conceived, i have to be confident i didnt make a mistake coming up with this suspicion, and that is why Rodman was out of the picture this very minute.
I called my Babysis, ask for her help urgently and text her the picture immediately. she said
"Try another stick"
"Drink 1Litre of water now!!! go try quick"
"Calm down jie"
"Ask the nurse for another test kit"
"Obviously yours is over the counter & not 100% accurate"
Like waht!?!??~! My Babysis can be real mature sometimes and while i was panicking like crazy, she was all calm & reminded me this might not be accurate. i manage to contain myself more & went to the nurse who register my visit, and told her my suspicion....
At the same time, i politely text k-chng to ask if her was free to spare me some time, she replied in an instance (Someone up there was doing me good thank God) i too, send her the picture i took & ask her if she, too, suspect the same as i did?
"OMG tis is good news, does Rodman know"
""When was your last menses"
" Less than 7 days result will be inaccurate"
"please delay your scan"
"Better be kiasu"
Then this amazing person went on to make phonecall to her friend who is a doctor (i am running out of good karma, everyone is just too nice to me). Who thinks that the 2nd line on the stick is so obvious that i cannot be a lie, i must have something!K-chng suggest i quickly ask the nurse to decide, the thought that my babysis share, so i did
It was now critical that someone decide if i should go for the CTscan i have already paid for...
FYI, the CT scan cost me $2100, our garment sponsor $300, so the balance was straight out of my pocket.. it was not a cheap procedure, and no i cannot part with $$ that easily, my #Timmy2 procedure can cost me $11,000 in worst scenario.
Nurse ran to the other room & spoke to a consultant (doctor, i believe) & he went ahead & took out result of the blood test i did a week ago (Tumor marker & abonormalities test). i sat at the reception, shock at the twist of event.
The consultant walked out, told me he studied my blood test, and true enough it seems there are some abnormalities in my blood... in layman terms this means
- For regular healthy adult, this means there is a something inside their body that is almost confirmed to be a fetus.
- For a patient with existing condition, and since it suggest something is inside her body, this something can be the very cyst/Fibriod/Tumor that is being treated
Because of the possibility, it was nearly impossible to judge if i am truly pregnant, but to his experience, chances are that i might very well be.
We held our breath for a min, with me being completely shock as i didnt wake up this morning to expect this.. finally he broke the silent & said he is going to contact my dr-in-charge this min (Dr Joe, the surgeon who monitor my progress over the years, and who will be operating on me to remove #Timmy2). We will hear his suggestion before we decide how to move on. And than i was left to a corner to continue waiting. I also asked the Nurse for an extra pee stick if they have it, she left to hunt for one.
Then k-chng return a text suggesting that i should take a 2nd test, we calculated that if i am truly conceive, it would have been 6.5 weeks into it, unless of course this was "created" after the previous menses lah..
All in all, couple of min later, consultant returned - no pee stick in hand- brought me to the reception & make arrangement for my refund (yay!) told me i will put the CT scan on hold now, Dr Joe arranged for a senior Gynae to look into my case & they will be in touch shortly.
Dr Lee Min Yu, as i was told, is a senior Gynae who specialist is dealing with high-risk pregnancy, in my case we are unsure how bad #Timmy2 will harm me during my journey so with his assistance all will be well. I am now schedule for a ultrasound 2 weeks later (since you know, result are very faint right now cos i must be very very early into this) 29sept2016 is the date.
So that was it! i was done with my "appt" for today, what?!!~ i was not convinced, and perhaps i was used to suspecting myself... i walked all over NUH finding discreet pharmacy & grab the next pee stick i can find,
Was i thinking well at this point? Of course not, i wasnt sure if this was a set-up, my body could have psychological convince myself i was indeed pregnant because of my desperacy. (read this False Pregnancy)
I walked into a filthy toilet, but i wasnt thinking too much, now that i recall, it was really really filthy, but all i care for was to see the pee stick once more.. i got Predictor this time, it was suppose to be perfect for testing VERY early pregnancy (like 5 days BEFORE your menses is due kind),,, and lo * behold...
See!! See!! see!!!! it is all a lie, i wasnt pregnant, and i cancelled on my CT scan because of a dumb expired pee stick, and that my hopes are back at square one again... why is this happening to me?
i went to a quiet corner of NUH & bawl my heart out, i really cried! but this was not nearly as bad as the bawling i did when i first learn i had to return to the operating theatre to remove my ovary.
I guess you come to terms with life if you cry so much over a period of time that it stops affecting you that much.. i bawl, but i didnt hyperventilate, i cried a mere 10mins, then wipe my tears & got myself prepare again for CT Scan - operation... It was a good few minutes of excitement thinking i might stood a chance with a baby.
I texted both kchng once more & told them of my new "discovery". Babysis was away ( i later learnt she was out for an interview & it must be real hard on her to juggle that nervousness while trying to help her Sister stay calm)... kchng told me to give it more time, because there still stood a chance that i might be too early in for the pee stick to tell..
of course in my heart i knew it was a scam, but she really meant well.. At this point i tot i shud go grab abother stick & drink alot of water again, but whats the point? Whats the point of receiving another "confirmation"- was i convinced? i will never be!! i need to be affirmative this was really happening...
So after going through all my thoughts, i decided that i will leave today as it is, for my heart needs to rest for the day until i renew my motivation to think of a proper way out of this. i grab a sushi(my 1st bite since last night dinner...) walked towards the carpark preparing for work and then i bump into an Angel. .
No, i wont reveal her here. We have history of being real close friend at one period of our lives, then i screwed up & she left us for good.
I knew her back in JC, i wrote few entries about her on my blog, i sometimes look up her profile to see if she is handling life well because she was the type of person i never was - she was very direct in her words & she cut the chase, she was always right on her prediction & frankly i was always tad jealous of her.
She had switch job & it was a stroke of luck that i bump into her in NUH, we sat behind at a fast food restaurant & she told me straightaway that
- i was being selfish, said
- i was hiding this from Rodman and that
- i was robbing him of a chance to learnt about me. She said
- i wasnt treating marriage right, and that
- i only paint a beautiful picture of myself to my husband. She said
- he has all rights to know, and
- decide if his wife is really pregnant?
- If his wife should drop this chance &
- focus on removing the ovary instead so there are no chance he will ever have to choose btw Mummy or baby
and i cant say she was not wrong, i had been so selfish the whole time, and that i almost only explain my own judgement, my own self-doubt & my own misery. Where was Rodman right this minute? Probably worrying sick if my CT scan was completed... She gave me a lashing down, and i allow her to speak because she was right. And she has always been right on me & my predicament.
We parted ways amicably, she just turn her back & walked. But that moment onwards, i have a new role to play - that role of a REAL wife. so thank you Angel Nurse, my old friend who still change my life in the strangest way.
i called Rodman, and it was coincidentally lunch so we arrange to meet, i drove over & told him everything that happen this morning. He - as usual - kept his cool & said we will no longer worry about that today. He says we will grab NEW pee sticks, and i will try it first thing tomorrow (FYI 1st pee in the morning contain the most ECG & most accurate). We did lunch - no mention of it anymore- and left to work.
i woke up at 3.22am, i can no longer sleep. the bawling from the night before has caused my eyes to swell so i expected myself to sleep till day break, but then my mind was full of anticipation to try the stick once more. Rodman had gotten 2 diffferent brands this time - Clearblue (he put his bet on this) & Predictor (the same brand that hurt me so much last morning).
At 3.49am, i was staring in the dark forcing myself back to sleep once more, i told myself when the alarm strikes at 6am, i will wake up pee-get the result- and live my life differently. but as i was pondering over this, the mood to pee came (Life works magic).....
At 3.51am, i decided that i wasnt going back to bed because i needed to pee & THIS should be the 1st pee of the day, i quietly tip-toe out of bed, careful not to wake Rodman up.. then went to the kitchen to find something to contain the pee (for some strange reason i wasnt going to take the risk by not peeing long enough hahahha..) took a tub i can throw away & finally get onto the work...
This was the lastest & till date last test i have done..
No, i didnt see the result till i was back in the room, at 4am i switch on the light that woke Rodman up. He was snoring just before this alarming awakening.. he stare at me as i hand him the stick... then he took a long while to process it...
he went for :\ to :| and finally.. :)
i slip back to bed & continue staring in the dark till it was almost dusk, i finally fell asleep just before the alarm woke me up... what an eventful morning!!
Why was i this happy this time?
i mean, i will rather believe this is true now, i will carry it on my sleeve, (though Rodman reminded me again & again to keep it hush & under.. that he is not takig a single risk...)....
we are also mentally preparing ourselves that i am high-risk patient & that we may or may not get to keep the baby despite our will.... and onwards to that belief here i am, typing away all morning on 16sept2016 penning down all that has taken place the last 2 days. I am now 3 days into the news & feeling under the weather, the anxiousness & nervousness is taking a toll on my appetite ( or just the pregnancy.. i no longer can tell) Just last night i retch once while brushing my teeth because the smell of Darlie toothpaste was too strong for my liking. I also felt so cold all day while driving, its like i was never this "vulerable" to the weather but i am now... Again, was it a symptom or just my mind play tricks? i dont know.
Dr Joe & his encouraging email