Friday, July 03, 2015


i met up with besties yesterday, we had a long chat, 
we dont meet as often as we would have done so when we were younger, 
but it doesnt stop us from chatting on the same old topic we were interested in since 2004. 

Our conversation this time revolve around families. Sharon is the most contented person i have known. 
She admits it herself that she is very simple minded (in a very good way) & only sees the good in everything. 
i can vouch for that fully, Sharon is always happy  & positive & thankful for the smallest things that took place in her life. In fact i have lost count of the number of times i was jealous about her achievement. They could be simple things like being a manicurist, Sharon was proud of her "job", she went on full force as a manicurist & even gave up the privileges of shopping with her salary because manicure didnt earn her enough to head out shopping. Sharon exchange bits of freedom like buying something she likes for her interest in manicure, she was the wisest person ive known to be able to see the joy of losing to gaining more.

 I, on the other hand, am a person who is desperate to achieve, i have always think at my current age i am under achieving, Sharon reminds me all the time how she wishes to be like me, while i crave to be as contented as she would be. However much we feel like being in each others' shoes, we didnt. I guess that is also why we remain as close as we did after all this time. i can imagine myself living the world she lives & she doing the same in my shoes each time we catch up, then we'll each head home satisfied for the amazing journey our conversation took us to. 

Sharon had, by now, started a beautiful family, moved out of both their parents' place & build a house of her own. She is also a hardworking Mum to her beautiful daughter & a part time staff for a small firm. In her free time, Sharon enjoys staying at home going about tending to her house & her dog. Then most of the other time she devotes them to taking care of Kordia. Sharon is very affected by the things that took place in her family, in her latest update she share how they are very concern about Kordia getting sick & her tiny frame. I have concluded - from our conversation - that a child between 2 loving adults shifts the focus away. Unlike Sharon, i begin to fear the time that shall come when Rodman & i expect our own kids. 

From our conversation, Sharon was upset at most things that took place in the presence of Kordia, she tries so many ways to make her baby healthy that i judge myself if i can ever brainstorm all the methods. Then Sharon was particularly upset that Kordia falling sick had affected her husband too. I mean, already getting upset herself was a huge deal for me, to be affected by her upset husband  must be another new level of sadness.   I admitted to Sharon i might not be as benevolent as she was, & if my own kid affects my relationship with my partner, i might be jealous of my own kid. Sharon assured me things will change when i see my own kid, & i too, like her, will devote my everything to my kid, & accepts it if my partner devote HIS everything to the kid too, including sacrificing myself. 

As it turns out, i was affected by our conversation & there were many thoughts running rhrought my mind. "What if, i didnt end up being that sacrificial mother she said i would? What if, i have to challenge my own kid for my husband attention?"     That night after we part ways, i head home & told Rodman about my worries, but Rodman was not the sort to console me with the general "dont you worry" kind words. Sometimes i suspect it is because he could sense my concern was real, & that i would really end up being that kind of selfish Mum i said i would.   Rodman told me he will try his best to devote 51% to me & 49% to the kid, & to return that favor i have to devote 51% to our kid & save 49% for him. It had really sounded likea possible solution, at the expense of loving him lesser, but Rodman says he could deal with it.. 

So why couldnt i?

Again, i began to doubt my ability to be a Mother, but knowing Rodman has his plans that would work in our children's favor, i am consoled. 

So going back to Sharon's concern, i wish she would just have that guts to pour her thoughts to her husband. She always tell me she is bad with words, but i could understand where she felt things wasnt going right, Sharon is the most impartial woman i have come across, in addition to all her worries she wil always put in good words for her husband & from her i learnt that he is the most amazing dad Sharon has found for Kordia & she is very proud of it.