Saturday, February 28, 2009
the time is officially 2.25pm, i have chosen to abandon the last lecture on the topic as it is taking up too much time. i shall concentrate on the rest of the topic and pray hard it works tomorrow.
Please gimme the strength to wake up with energy tomorrow, not to faint while on my way to the toilet again, and hopefully, just hopefully, keep my mind awake throughout the dry 2 hrs.
I will have fun after this
(yeah right, provided i dun doze off immediately after the paper)
i will skip medicine intake tomorrow, the drowsiness effect is madness.
I will forgive my BB tmr for it is not his fault he cant fight through this battle with me, i am alone, and will survive it through. (but i am still mad!!!~)
Give me the strength to walk in the hall and come out with pride.
Throw my weakness aside and bring my courage inside...
i am sleepy.. yawnxxxxxx,
time check 2.29pm.. another last shot to go!!~
Friday, February 20, 2009
the first of the last time i wanna cry like i cried. The last of the first pain i experienced.
I though things were be as simple as a baby learning ballerina, i want to tk small steps in building a longer path, i want everything to work out as perfect as i can "perfect" it.
Living under someone else's roof, be it at "home" or "cuz home" feels different. It has been long since i felt like there was a place i could run to an cry my heart out, just like how i alway did after cramping it all inside. I will cry in silence, sometimes a little short of breathe, but each time i finish crying, the feeling, that bad aura around me disappear.
Little as a child, i felt the power of crying, that deep feeling all out together, those tear bringing away the pain little by little. Some form of crying are different from the rest. There are times i cry yet not finding it difficult to breathe, those are the time i just wish someone will agree with me, or when i feel like i wasw given unfair justice.
Then there were the type of cry i will gasp for air, cant hardly contain my voice, and when i cannot sneeze those mucus out, those were the times i feel so pain in the heart, i wish, just wish i could fall asleep deeper than anybody else could.
Sweet and i had a disagreement today, though it wasnt really a disagreement. It was more of me, throwing temper at myself, refusing to give in to myself. Despite our happiness first half of the day, i was rather disappointed at the other commitment he have and his anticipation to hurry time just so he can finally go for his soccer games.
We had tiny disagrement over his soccer game previously but i could see it in his eyes, his passion for the game. However, there are times when thing are so planned that u just really hope he plays along with it.
I have been away from "home" for the fifth day today, the loneliness i feel inside is hard to express into words, yet i know deep down under, even when i am "home", that feeling will also not be executed, for "home" is no longer a "home" with my space, my personal space.
When Dad called and asked how i am doing, i feel the stabbing pain in the chest, i was doing really fine yet i was alone. I couldnt feel like i was with someone, and despite Sweet's presence, and his constant attempt to fetch me to wherever i wanna go. Something is lacking and missing, yet we cannot tell and choose to ignore them.
Just last night i was about to go to bed and had a lttle usual chat with Cuz, i told her i wanna try to treat Sweet better cos i tink he put in a lot to this relationship, i wanted to wake up feeling like a different person who dares to express her love for her bf. I mst have been trying too hard, cos i end up feel so unappreciated, so much a burden. The movie wasnt to his liking yet he had to pretend he likes it by commenting on other stuff, we were at the mall trying to get his friend a present and i stupidly suggested going someone else to get it instead. All i can say is it was all pretty much screwed up and i feel no better than before, all about to burst into tears.
Which i did, it was cry of loneliness, of missin someone dear, of losing someone. The question was- who was i missing? who was i losing? i cant answer those question. There were sign of my paranoid, such as times when i begin to imagine how life is like if Sweet were to scream back at me one day, or if he choses to ignore me too, but no matter how i try to figure it out, there wasnt a solution.
I must have been under a lot of pressure, and the root to it include the desperation to be accepted, the anticipation to quicken thing up and the thought that i am going to lose someone.
Someone pls, help me like they never knew i wrote this, advice me like they never knew what i wanted.
Someone pls, accept me and agree with me. Tell me she understand and tell me its ok to cry.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
It all begin with an early morning praying visit to Bugis Street, the temple there is well known n i have personally been there a couple of times either to ask for blessing or to ask for advise. That day, we were there to help Sweet with some prayer for under his zodiac sign he was offending the God of Plague this year and in order to avoid being affected by this plague we have to pray for forgiveness at the start of the lunar year and also thank God for his forgiveness at the end of the lunar year. Sweet's Mum brought us to the second storey of a certain building where i was greeted with a very unusual sight, instead of the usual shophouses selling usual groceries, there was a red shop where lots of people were queing up to get a stack of joss paper. They were than told to wait by a row or chairs before being diret else where.
unlike the others, Sweet's Mum was familiar with the place and she knew where exactly to head to , therefore, under the request of the lady in charge, Sweet's mum direct a couple of people to pray at another area.
To cut it short, the prayer was held behind a red piece of cloth, so hidden that i cannot explain what i missed out. The only weird thing was that the whole event occur within a shopping complex.. Which was what i find interesting and hard to imagine, i bet without hint, no one can really imagine what the space was for and why so many people were queuing.
We proceed to get our lunch settle at a wanton mee store, seeing that i was particularly interested in the mixed pork soup, Sweet's mum told him to order a bowl so i could enjoy the "water" while they finish up the meat, it was a thoughtful suggestion since i never enjoyed and probably wont touched the meat. The simple meal was wonderful, we were not exactly full but had the energy to at least proceeded to our next location.
Sweet drive his Mum and me to Loyang Tua PeKong, the really fantastic thing about this place was that it was the same place Sweet had droven me to, on the night of New YEar, and we both had our first 2009 wishes done there. I can admit life has been pretty smooth till now so i trust this place with my most sincere heart.
Anyway the whole praying process was pretty easy, given the fact that the temple was extraordinarily thoughtful to provide us with steps to follow in order to pray perfectly. After we are done, Sweet's Mum "borowed" a bag of rice for their family while Sweet and i went around the temple viewing the different new year ornaments put up on this occasion.
We were about to leave when the "emcee" suddenly order us to all queue up for a token, it wasnt just a usual token, it was a token that signifies the year of Ox, which was Sweet's zodiac. There were also a ang pow with numbers on it. Sweet, me and his mum all queued up for it, thanking God for the chance to Huat.